Hey I'm having massive and catastrophic user error. I just cannot figure out what each of the buttons do. I've figured out a few chases, etc, but even after reading through the manual and user guide, I still can't get off the ground. Help please!

Well I don't know how to help you as you never said what controller you are using or what lights you have. The more detail you can provide us the more help we can be.
Sincerely,

Haha, sorry. Was panicking and sortof forgot to say the crucial bits. I'm using an "Emulator" and I've got 3 LED par64s, I've got 2 Chauvet LEDsplash Jr.'s, an American DJ Triphase, an American DJ Quad Gem, an American DJ Roving Spot, and a scorpion laser (I think thats ADJ as well). I've been using all the lights on their "sound activated" mode, but after 2 years its time to step up to DMX controlled. I figured getting a PC controller would be best, most flexible, etc. Unfortunately, I'm completely lost in the sea of buttons and dials. I've read the manuals, but they seem to be skipping steps that must be intuitive to everyone else. I really can't seem to get past square one. Any suggestions on where to start? Also, where to go from there? Haha, sorry I am so clueless. I've been working at it for hours now, and haven't made any progress.

You mean Emulation?
Have you read this manual: http://www.elationlighting.com..._manual_en_10324.pdf
It is a pretty through manual and should get you going. And all the buttons and dials etc are explained in detail.
Sincerely,

That is precisely what I mean

And I read the manual but I'm still not getting any signs from the lights that they are receiving anything. Like, I even just went with the straight up test wizard. It's like I can't find the play button or something.

Give us a call Monday and ask for either jesus or myself and we can give you a walk through.
Sincerely,

Words do not describe how much I love you. What is the number for that?

It is the tech support number on the website. I can't remember it right now. But it's there.
Sincerely,